How I Was Taught

*Love post

uuhhhhh I really didn’t want to write this. But here you go.

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As a kid, I was always learning.

To crawl, to walk, to run.

To talk, to eat.

To do everything myself

So no one else had to do it for me.

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And as a kid, I learned about love.

I learned to use it as an apology

To lessen the sting after hurting someone.

I learned that love is birthday gifts on your bed

Because actually saying “happy birthday” is too hard.

That love is raising your voice

When your opinion matters more.

That love is smiling and pretending

Because people are watching.

That love is earned,

Measure up or stop looking for it.

Fit the mold or you’re undeserving.

At least that’s my interpretation.

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But I’m terrified I’ll be alone for the rest of my life

Because I don’t know how to show affection.

I don’t know how to care when I’ve curled inside myself.

And I don’t know how to say thank you

After you dragged me out of the hole

I became enslaved to.

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Maybe the absence of love

Is how I was taught to love.

Taught to scream words like, “I hate you”

Because my tongue ties for the opposite.

Maybe we all show love a little differently,

And my volume is just turned on mute.

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-The Splintered Pencil