This Isn’t Denial, This Isn’t Acceptance, This Is Mourning.

*This is not my last post*

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My lips don’t know how to say it

But my head loves the word,

Loves to hold it in her hands and cradle it like an infant.

She wants to nurture the beast.

And every time it rolls around in her mouth, she beats the belt harder.

Goodbye.

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Goodbye to easy A classes I still manage to barely scrape by in,

To the counselors who tell me I need a goal in life.

Goodbye to skipping 3rd period to cry in the bathroom.

Goodbye to only going to half of every seminary class

Because I didn’t want to say the prayer at the beginning.

It’s fine.

I never needed you anyway.

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Goodbye to all the boys I’ve ever had a crush on.

I never told you, and you never noticed me.

It’s fine,

Probably for the best anyway.

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Goodbye to the people,

The ones I wave to in the hallways

The people I’ve never had a real conversation with,

But the ones who’s smiles I can’t live without.

Goodbye to the friends I don’t know the numbers of.

The ones who make going to class bearable

I’ll never see you again.

It’s fine.

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Goodbye to the teachers who made breathing a little easier,

Who felt more like peers than authorities, more like family.

To the teachers who have shown me more love than my own home has.

I love you, I don’t want to leave.

But it’s fine.

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Goodbye to my best friends.

I know you say we’ll get together

But I know how life works.

In a few years you’ll forget my name

Until a drop of nostalgia lands on your tongue.

Then you’ll smile at the memories, a smile I’ll never see again.

It’s fine.

I’m sure I’ll be replaced by someone better.

It’s fine.

It’s fine.

It’s fine.

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It’s not fine.

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I’m not fine.

I don’t want to leave.

I don’t want to grow up.

I don’t want change.

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Before, graduation tasted so sweet,

Adulthood was a dream.

But now I realize how unprepared I am,

How not- ready I am.

I want to cling to the scrapbook of childhood

Where your faces will stay forever, imprinted in ink.

Where I never have to say it.

Goodbye.

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I still can’t say it.

But everyday my head reminds me of everything I’m leaving behind.

My depression is spiking,

And I’m losing everyone who ever cared.

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-Breann, The Splintered Pencil