Paternal

*Wild Card Post*

My whole life “Dad” felt foreign on my tongue.

In my head you were always father.

Nothing more than the man who contributed to my birth.

Afterall, you never called me anything more than

Daughter.

.

Behind all the half-hearted jokes and smiles,

I waited for you to snap.

The anger in your face when I knew your mind was set

Is what I ran from.

The anxiety when the garage opened,

Made me hold my breath.

When I was little

I used to hid in closets, bathrooms,

Behind the door.

Anywhere you couldn’t find me.

The only relief I ever felt

Was when you left

And I could finally exhale.

.

You always asked,

“Did I tell you I love you today?”

Then pulled me in with one arm,

Kissed my head

And said you loved me.

That was your only form of an apology,

You never meant it.

Never actually loved me.

Only loved that I needed you.

And now that I don’t,

We barely talk.

Even though you’re just in the next room.

.

You always wanted me to be just like you.

Took me by force to all your favorite activities

In hopes I’d love them too.

But you made me hate them instead.

And when I didn’t live up to your expectations,

You shut me out.

Didn’t go to my games

Refused to pick me up from lessons

Changed the subject when I talked

Criticized everything I enjoyed

And bragged about my siblings

But never me.

.

If you were given the choice between

Comforting me when I’m broken

And doing something for yourself,

You’d choose yourself.

Even when given the choice

Over and over

You’d do the same thing

Everytime.

And you already have

Everyday.

.

Your ego fed off attention

Attention you couldn’t give back.

Birthdays were forgotten,

Respect was disreguarded,

Affection was denied.

And there was no changing that.

But I was tired of it all

The name calling, belittling,

Dominating opinions, cursing,

Raising your voice to prove you’re right

Even when you knew you were wrong.

.

You never apologized

Because you never felt you needed to.

You pointed fingers

Because you were never at fault.

Threw me around

Because you wanted control.

A relationship doesn’t come from domination,

It comes from trust.

And that was one thing I never had.

.

While you never gave me any scars

You could see,

I gave myself plenty

To replace the ones inside.

Called myself a narcissist

Because you insisted you weren’t one.

Because all I thought about was my own pain.

Pain that I should never have felt

According to you.

.

To everyone who called my father a saint.

To my sister who’s only response was “he’s trying.”

To my other sister who knew exactly what I was going through.

To my mother who let it all happen,

Even though she had no clue.

To my father.

I blamed you for a long time.

Thought my life was your fault.

Because it was easier to accuse you.

But now I can only blame myself

For pretending it never happened in the first place.

.

-The Splintered Pencil