why do i have to reveal myself?

*Reveal Post- I guess*

I really didn’t want to post this so ya’ll better enjoy it. Jk, I don’t really care.

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I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to admit to my alias.

To claim the one of the few parts of me I can be proud of.

Maybe because I’m not proud,

Who I am isn’t good enough for me.

Because hard working is expected,

Kindness undervalued,

And self identity is tucked in the corner.

Compliments are hoarded, and like an addict,

I can never get enough of them.

Because I believe I’m undeserving, I make escuses for why

The kindness isn’t real.

But still, every single comment makes me smile

Through the mask I’m forced to wear.

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If you want to know who I am, I’ll tell you how I see myself.

I’m the girl who’s terrified of responsibility because it means making decisions.

And decisions are scary as hell.

I don’t know what I’m going to college for because I don’t have a niche.

I’m just moderatly okay at a lot of unrelated things.

And I probably should have figured that out before halfway through senior year-

But I start having panic attacks when I think about that.

So still undecided.

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I’m the girl who’s gone to nearly every church meeting and seminary class

In hopes of finding some god out there who can see me when I’m breaking.

But it seems like god has slipped through my fingers,

Like everything else.

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I’m the girl who has a few close friends,

But still feels alone because I confine myself to isolation.

The girl who looks for love in others

Because I can’t find it in myself.

I’m the girl who denies anxiety and depression

Because they haven’t been diagnosed.

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I didn’t realize this reveal was coming so soon.

But for those of you who care to know who I am.

Other than the splintered pencil,

For those who’ve been with me when I’m uninspired,

Breaking down, or just need to rant,

To you, I guess now I’m Breann.

No longer the broken fragments of a pencil,

But the fractured person behind the screen.

Behind the words of a hypocrite that practices

Self love and self hate interchangebly.

And to quote my sister, behind the eyes of a girl,

“Too afraid to ask for extra fry sauce.”

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This pen name’s made me vulnerable,

And leaving it’s security scares the hell out of me.

But I guess I’ll do it, because I’m trying to work on

That self love thing again.

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-Breann, the Splintered Pencil

Also everyone’s putting pictures of themselves… but I don’t wanna, so I’m gonna put some pictures of my favorite animals.

And no that’s not my dog, but he might as well be. Cuz I’m at my sister’s 24/7 training him for her lol.

His name is Jett, he’s a good little pomeranian.

And what the heck, here’s one of the many horses I’ve ridden. Unfortunately I don’t own one, rip. But this one I actually got the chance to train myself a bit, which was a really fun experience.

Her name’s Roxey, and she’s a very sassy girl.

If you ever get the chance to look up equestrian liberty, that’s my favorite thing I did with her- though she only knows simple tricks. And she’s actually completely blind in her left eye, which made things difficult because she couldn’t see me there lol. But we learned some effective voice ques to help- though she’s a bit slower with tricks on that side lol.