I’ll Learn How to Make You Happy

*Wild Card Post*

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I’m sorry my lips can’t form an apology,

I tried to take your love and manipulate it

So I can justify giving you hundreds of second chances

But the frostbite from your negativity froze them shut.

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I’m sorry I never get anything done,

Procrastination is a plague running through my bones.

With symptoms of paralysis and mind numbing fear.

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I’m sorry my screams are so demonic,

They come straight from the hell I live in everyday.

Licking fire up my throat,

And burning my sanity in smoke

Until you put it out in your ashtray of emotional abuse.

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I’m sorry disinterest in my normal look.

I plastered it on there the day life stopped being exciting.

When I memorized the creaks in the floorboards,

And learned to listen for your footsteps.

When I mastered the art of pretending.

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I’m sorry I don’t talk to you,

It’s my fault I shut myself in my room.

My fault sensory overload is gutting my brain

And the only way I cope is my addiction to music.

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But most of all, I’m sorry I blame you,

I should never be in a jury because

Fault was never something I understood.

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I do things I can’t explain sometimes.

I like to smother myself in darkness.

I hold a knife to my throat

And tip toe on shards of glass

Because the danger doesn’t ever feel real enough.

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I’m high on self hate,

A drug I was taught to use since brith.

And shy away from love

Because I don’t know how to show it.

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Emotions are always canned at our house,

Stored on the shelf in the basement

Until an emergency.

But broken bones are never considered emergencies,

It has to be life threatening.

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I’m sorry I don’t understand,

I’m learning, I promise.

One day I’ll get it all right,

I’ll learn how to make you happy.

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-The Splintered Pencil