The Tides That Stung like a Bullet

This is how I cope with loss.

Dedicated to my cousin Ryan < 3

Forever loved, never forgotten.

.

Remember the day you died?

the day God clutched you to his chest as your family wept at his feet?

how selfish of him.

you had set a new lifting PR that morning

but you never felt as weak as you did in that lake

tendrils of water coiled your legs

and pulled.

your arms beating

thrashing

flailing

slowing

stopping.

.

Yesterday feels so far away

when your face isn’t here to remind me of your stupid pipe dream

nobody makes it as a YouTuber

but you could have chased that dream

you could have bridled the world’s attention, they would have listened

instead, silence took your ears in a murky flood

and the sun fell under the waves

as the darkness clawed your eyes

.

Another victim of the Great Lakes

the Great Killers

the Great Assholes

you were too great for them to lose

so they tamed you like a helium balloon

a blue ribbon tied to your ankle-

icy hands clamping over your mouth-

your lungs straining against the latex coating.

heart beating against its ribcage

inaudible screams-

straining

fighting

losing

bursting.

.

Now I see your face everywhere

pressed in the mountain rocks between the conifers

carved in the bark of the apple tree we used to climb together

your wide eyes stung by sediment flicker in the ocean ripples

I hope God recognized his mistake

when your stiff hands raked against the sandy floor

sixteen is too young for consent.

God wasn’t allowed to take you

but if there is a heaven, I know you’re in it

I’ll never lose the bitter taste of grief as I imagine your body drowning

for your sake, I hope there is an afterlife

and you live it to the fullest

I’m sorry-

for everything.

.

With Love,

-Bree